To the Next Occupants of My Old Apartment

1. At first, you will think this apartment is charming, with its old timey details and unique nooks and crannies. Do not be fooled. What it is, in fact, is too small and filled with weird angles to put any actual grown-up furniture into.
2. There is no ventilation in the kitchen. The smoke alarm goes off when you make toast. Against all common sense, it goes off when you boil water. Also, never ever fry anything. If you do, the entire apartment will be coated in a film of grease that turns to tar as soon as it cools.
3. In humid weather, a large lake will form in the middle of the bathroom floor. There isn't a damn thing you can do about this.
4. Clouds of small black flies fill the apartment in summer if you open the windows.
5. I hope you want to listen to "Baba O'Reilly" 32 times in one afternoon. Your new neighbors certainly do.
6. The landscaping at the back of the drycleaner's parking lot makes an ideal place for transients to hide, get drunk, have arguments, and fornicate. Shudder.
7. If you have a car, you will be paying $40 a year for a parking permit. You will still never be able to find a parking space. If you have a bicycle, it will be stolen almost immediately.
8. In winter, all the heat hides in one corner, behind the bedroom door. If you close this door, the bedroom will be warm. Everywhere else will be freezing and sweat with damp.
9. The thing about a claw foot tub is that when you shower, the curtains suck in and attack you. Also, things evolve underneath.
10, When you leave, take a moment to look around, as I did, and remember how truly miserable you were here.